The Fucking Golden Project : Results Show

(AP Image)

Its been two weeks since the 2010 mid-term elections, an election cycle that will go down as our nation’s most expensive midterm election. The total amount raised and spent by both parties nationwide on this past election over the last two years was recently estimated at $4 billion dollars.

We here at the Fucking Golden Project Investigative Team were attempting to estimate the amount of money spent by both parties in the state of Illinois on the midterm election. Then we asked the question: what if in lieu of an election we had an open auction for all the elected positions in the state of Illinois? Then we could take the money we raised in the auction and put it towards Illinois’ 13 billion dollar budget deficit. Would the amount be significant enough to essentially privatize the state of Illinois for the next four years? Could this radical action bring us closer to being in the black?

Also factoring into this equation was the past voting record of the state of Illinois. Could we really do any worse than we have been doing? Former Governor George Ryan is in a prison in Terra Haute, Indiana serving a 7-year sentence on federal corruption charges. His successor Rod Blagojevich was impeached and is accused of auctioning off one of our US Senate seats to the highest bidder. Why couldn’t we just cut out the middleman and let the state of Illinois profit from it’s own systemic corruption? We have all of these elected positions and they are in the words of Blago “ Fucking Golden”.

What would a US Senate seat go for in an open auction? In Connecticut, former wrestling magnate Linda McMahon spent $21 million dollars of her own money in a losing bid for an open US Senate seat. In comparison, the total amount raised and spent by both parties in the contest for Illinois’ open seat also ended up being around $21 million. Give our very shoddy standards here at the Fucking Golden Project we are going to then assume then the price of a US Senate seat in an open auction would double or appreciate by 100%. We’re going to call this factor our Fucking Golden Multiplier.

As we mentioned before, the entire amount spent in the election nationwide by both parties was $4 billion dollars. If we factor in the Fucking Golden Multiplier that total goes up to $8 billion dollars, that would be the amount spent nationwide and not only in the state of Illinois. It’s pretty obvious that suspending the democratic process to have an open auction for every elected position in the state of Illinois would not put us in the black. It wouldn’t even come close to filling in our 13 billion-budget gap. Campaign fundraising numbers may seem astronomical at times but they are on a completely different scale than state budgets.

We are nothing if not thorough here at the Fucking Golden Project so to tie it all up with a bow we will ask the question again of “could we really do any worse than we have been doing in the state of Illinois?” Our open auction would still favor the massive fundraising machines that are the Democratic and Republican parties. Both parties could use their respective media echo chambers as 24-hour telethons in the race to raise the largest bid on the State of Illinois. Sarah Palin could act as Jerry Lewis in a ball gown. Standing in front of a big number growing on a wall. Just because a candidate has made their way through the ranks of the two major parties does not guarantee they are a competent manager or a competent person for that matter. Scott Lee Cohen legitimately won the Democratic primary for Lieutenant Governor of Illinois. The aforementioned Linda McMahon won the Republican primary for Connecticut’s US Senate seat. Sharon Angle in Nevada. Joe Miller in Alaska. Christine O’Donnel in Delaware. Could we do any worse than have been doing in the state of Illinois? Yes we could do worse. Much worse.

We may be extremely tolerant of corruption here in Illinois but we do make the right choice sometimes. Mark Kirk was the better candidate than Alexi Giannoulias. We made the right choice in electing Pat Quinn as governor. We elected this guy with a funny name to be our Senator back in 2004. We get it right sometimes.

The Fucking Golden Project asked the question, how far could we privatize things? Privatization will be a solution put forward a lot in the coming years. Selling off a state’s assets is going to be one of the only ways to make significant gains on multi-billion dollar budget shortfalls. The City of Chicago sold management of its parking meters to a private company for 1 billion dollars. The State of Illinois just sold off operation of the state’s lottery to a private company for 4.8 billion. I guess we still have some other assets that are fucking golden before we get to our democratic process.

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